My sheets look like a crime scene.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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