Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
