A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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