Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
