she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
