I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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