there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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