I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
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Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
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They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?