nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges