Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
