Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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