but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
