How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
