i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just cropdusted the office
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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