I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
