I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
