the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
