College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
