maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
