i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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