New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
