help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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