enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize