I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
