Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
