i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
