Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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