You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
