Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
now i know why i became what i already was.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
