I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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