I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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