Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
