I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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