Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
