Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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