The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
