Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
