Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
