then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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