I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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