So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
