update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
