2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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