Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
