I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
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Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
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Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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