sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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