i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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