Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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