I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
