my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
