not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So many bounce houses so little time
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
