Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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