I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
