I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
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its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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