grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
