I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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