So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
