I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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