if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
