fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
