genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
