I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
