Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
